Grown Up?

It's funny. George and I were talking about this the other day. Charlottesville has really started to feel like home for us, to the point that when we're away or visiting our family, it's wonderful to come home--to our home. Sure, we have a great time visiting as always, but there is a kind of relief and calm when we walk in our front door. This is the first time I've ever felt this way about a place other than Ashburn where I grew up. It's not even that my mom moved from our old house were we lived for more than 10 years to a new one, but that my home is now with George, Lance, and Jude. It's a neat feeling: I'm finally grown up with a family of my own. At 27, you'd think I would have had this feeling sooner, but I have to admit, most days I still feel like I'm 17 and I'm almost surprised that I'm married with two kids. Where did the time go? It seems like only a few years ago I was standing up in elementary school telling people what I wanted to be when I grew up... "A veterinarian and a mommy." I fell not too far from the mark--a nurse and a mommy is pretty close.

I don't know if the feeling of being too young will ever go away. Grandma Brewer was telling me a while ago that the spirit still feels 18, it's the body that slows you down. That seems pretty true. Growing up, I always thought adults were mature and knew everything. They were infallible beings capable of anything. The older I get, however, the more I realize we're all just kids with bigger bodies and a larger vocabulary. We don't always have the answers, we're often not very mature, and the age-old adage "mother knows best" is not always true (That last one, however, is a secret between you and me... *wink*).

Lance and I watched a couple family videos the other day of me when I was two years old. I realized for the first time how young my parents looked--I mean, they were only 24 and 26, both younger than I am now. As I watched, I wondered if they then felt like I do now: too young, too inexperienced, too flawed. Mom has often told me how she always wondered, and still does to this day, if many of her choices were the right ones. She used to say, "one day, you'll know how it feels to do your best and pray it's enough." She was right. I've been having those moments more and more often now as I struggle to find the answers for my own family.

Motherhood is interesting--by the time you have things figured out, your chance to raise your children is over. I'm sure I'll be an expert by the time our last child leaves for college, but in the mean time I make mistake after mistake. Maybe that's why mothers of grown children are so keen on giving out advice. It's a way to feel like the knowledge they gained over the years has a purpose. I have a tendency to bristle at the unsolicited advice I receive from various sources, especially when it comes to raising my boys. The ironic thing is that I often feel like a failure on the maternal front, like I'm floundering in the seas of parenthood and when someone throws me a life vest I stubbornly shove it aside and proudly state I can tread water just fine. Perhaps instead I should be asking for advice from the successful mothers in my life.

"Mom...?"